SUBMITTED : ION MAGAZINE Vancouver : Fake Horoscopes
By Ben Wannamaker
Aries: The French thinker, Michel Foucault said that: the omni-present creation of ‘ourselves’ is as important as applying ‘principles of critique’ to ones life. Now, this is grade ‘A’ bullshit Aries, and we both know it. Go with your gut this month and forget to apply a filter throughout the next thirty: go on instinct, impulse and emotion. Fuck empathy and fuck regrets – it’s all or nothing, now or never; ask what a Mack truck asks; just act – go and do.
Taurus: We often hear chatter of ‘spring’ cleaning, but have you ever caught scabies in the winter Taurus? This month, apply a chant to your morning routine that rings like: “Microbes, germaphobes, octaves and wave lengths, all that is shall never be seen – and I shall wash my linens clean.” Repeat all in one breath 24 times to cleanse your third eye’s dirty nerve.
Gemini: ‘Significant others’ are insignificant as dead skin, eh Gemini? You have established yourself, felt up to talking down to your inner circle and ramble like a drunken sage on the daily. Continue prospering as such and the coming month will rear sunshine, security, prosperity and subtle enhancements in your bedroom performance.
Cancer: Mortality has been a hot topic hasn’t it Cancer? But do you remember anyone frowning at a theme park? The aforementioned metaphor should be applied to your last bank statement and considered especially when it comes time to re-writing your living will. Remember: ‘Those who live in fear of death will never really die and those who live like every day was there last are truly dead already.’
Pisces: Living skateboard legend Mark Gonzales was quoted saying ‘wow,’ when told that a popular request for superpowers by children was the ability to stop time. You’re a realist Pisces, a humanist and either are or have once been: a child. Consider all of the flipped leaves, coins and fingers you’ve found when faced with forks along the road of life last month, and try tantric sex in the one that’s coming.
Leo: When asked ‘if you could get away with one crime, what would it be?’ Adult actress Faye Reagan replied: ‘it’d probably have something to do with torture or horror. It wouldn’t be rape, because I’m too submissive for that. I wouldn’t get any pleasure out of that, I’d have to be the one getting raped.’ Sound familiar, Leo? Streamlining your intentions clearly is paramount this month.
Libra: “Being a star has made it possible for me to get insulted in places where the average Negro could never hope to go and get insulted,” a young Sammy Davis JR said. Remember the trip that was on top of your bucket list, Libra? Insist on paying it financial attention this month, but don’t forget to tip well when you arrive in Rome and continue to pay naysayers an objective ear.
Scorpio: In 1996, biologist Matt Ridley claimed that ‘natural selection works at the gene level, hence making any form of co-operation that is not of benefit to the gene impossible. The result is that we wear our emotions on our face, are physically stressed by the act of lying and love to see wrongdoing punished.’ Ignore this: your energy can not handle such subterranean intuition this month, Scorpio. Opt for listening to the extroverted voices in your head instead. AKA: The RuPaul Approach.
Sagittarius: Don’t list your maladies or count your pitfalls, Sagittarius. Excuse them for shitting in the middle of dinner and take them outside by the neck-scruff to dutifully reset them and yourself because sometimes even guests deserve a little civility. Think like Rip Taylor’s couch and be a breathless horn, this month get better grades by gambling on the short shot; trust outside the confines of violence.
Capricorn: ‘In a learner generated context, a group of users marshal resources to create an ecology that meets their needs often – but not only – in relation to the co-configuration, co-creation and co-design of a learning space that allows users to, essentially create their own context.’ How do you learn Capricorn? And who teaches which content to you? Answer these questions and reap the spectrum of benefits that fertility – either literally or creatively – will surely shower on your shoulders this month.
Aquarius: Abstract artist Pablo Picasso stored his fingernail clippings in mason jars until he died. The legend says that he was paranoid outsiders would collect them and use them against his spirit in voodoo rituals if he didn’t: so to him, this seemed perfectly natural. Now take nuptials with a urinal, Aquarius, because your homework this month is to find what comes most naturally to you and then piss on it; spit – for a month – on your rituals like a cigarette on a Chinese sidewalk.
Virgo: “The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can’t say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex.” Such is the insight from Newark Bears outfielder
Carl Everett, Virgo. Applying it to your love life this month will do more to benefit you than writing it in lip stick on the mirror and ripping your panty hose on the barbed wire fence.